Airport Journals


Fasten Your “Ugh” Seatbelt	Jul '05

By Cliff Robertson

In my column last month, I commented on the latest sartorial statement of America—"Tattoos and Bare Midriffs." Though primarily assumed amongst our younger women, it isn't unusual to see a few men flashing skin and ink on their "bods." This, to some traditionalists, like me, is off-putting, particularly in the midriff area.

Most American men after 40 have, or are developing, the beginnings of a small "pot." Those of us that fly become aware that our seatbelts begin to seem tighter than usual—a rueful reminder to slack off on the fries, burgers, and other fast foods. And it's not just we pilots: the next time you fly commercial take notice of your fellow passengers as they file down the isle: at least to my despairing eye, three quarters of them are carrying extra weight in addition to carry-ons and laptops. This is not a scientific study—just a casual observation by a pilot who, out of necessity, is forced to "leave my Baron behind" and fly commercial.

I don't have a solution to this puzzlement—but in my writer's imagination, it occurs to me that perhaps an enterprising American aviation entrepreneur (are you listening, Sporty's?) will come up with a tiny computerized voice box attached to our seatbelt and set at a desired weight. This tiny box would purr discretely when we have gained that unexpected eight pounds, "Hey, tubby, better pass on the desserts this flight." Should we risk ignoring this admonishment, the next time the voice will be less discrete as it belches out in rude tones, "Jeez, fatso, this seatbelt has its limits!"

There are, of course, rebuttals to my suggestion. Some fellow (fat) passengers might take exception with the ubiquitous "politically incorrect" argument. Others might think the seatbelt or you are talking to them. I can see lawyers frothing with greedy anticipation.

Best leave the voice box idea alone for another generation—a generation of future slow food, healthy eaters, when three-fourths of the passengers are thin. When the flight attendants are kept busy adding double dollops to the passenger's ice cream desserts—all in the name of healthy flying customers.

Perhaps their intrepid advertising agency will announce to passengers, "Eat up—there are no weight and balance limitations on this airline; we need the extra poundage!"

Aaagh!! I can't wait!

Academy Award and Emmy Award winning screen star Cliff Robertson has owned and flown a wide array of aircraft, including a Spitfire MK IX, a Messerschmitt ME-108, a French aerobatic Stampe SV4 biplane, a Grob Astir glider (in which he still holds a distance record) and a Beech Baron 58. A holder of single, multi, instrument and commercial licenses, as well as balloon, the pilot of many thousands of hours has accumulated many aviation awards, including EAA's highest Eagle award and the AOPA Sharples award. Cliff was recently voted and honored as the Veteran of the Year by the American Veteran Association. His columns will appear in his soon-to-be published book.